5 Love Languages

It’s one of my goals for my blog this year to once every couple months, try to write something personal and not just write about food. So here’s my first attempt this year!

Have you ever heard of the 5 Love Languages? I think I learned about it in a college psychology or sociology course. The theory originates from a book in the mid-90s called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.

In the book, the author Gary Chapman posits that there are five different ways to express love to another, and similarly to feel love expressed to you by others. This is love that isn’t just expressed between couples- it can be love between you and anyone, be it between family members or friends as well. I even think these work with my kitty.

The 5 Love Languages include

1. Receiving Gifts – For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift, to show that you were thinking of them when they were not around and saw something that you thought would please them or that reminded you of them because they know you so well. It shows you are willing to sacrifice the resources to acquire and give that gift. The gift can be bought or made, however large or small, be it a holiday or a surprise everyday gesture. No gifts can translate to them that you don’t think of them and/or they aren’t worth the effort of spending extra time and/or money.
2. Quality Time – For some people, what makes them feel most loved is having your undivided attention and spending time with each other, be it casually at dinner going over the day or by planning memorable experiences together like a vacation. It’s about being there and 100% present, with quality conversations and quality activities. Lack of quality time translates to them feeling like they are not interesting enough for you to care what they think or have to say, and/or you are self-centered and selfish.
3. Words of Affirmation – For some people, what makes them feel most loved is hearing love expressed using words. This can be verbally or in written form, validating that you still feel the same way, and the reasons of why you feel that way. It might be through an unsolicited compliment of how they look or something they’ve done, or a love letter, or a text message with a joke to make you smile, just to stay in communication with you. Insults and harsh words are very hurtful and long remembered.
4. Acts of Service – For some people, what makes them feel most loved is when you take time and effort to do things for them, without being asked.  The service can be small or grand, be it making a surprise candlelit champagne dinner or vacuuming. It is a demonstration of understanding what services will help you. In some cases this may be especially the fact that you don’t like the task, but you are willing to do it anyway because of them and to ease and bear the burden for and with them.Without acts of service, they feel you are lazy, take them for granted and don’t appreciate them.
5. Physical Touch – For some people, what makes them feel most loved is feeling your touch, be it a hug, cuddle, kiss. It could be the way you link arms as you walk together or brush their shoulder as you walk by It’s about having a physical connection between the two of you, and sometimes even just being in your presence, in the same space, even without touching, means a lot. Touch communicates affection, not just desire, and not having much of it feeds insecurity and emotional distance.

Most often, people understandably make the mistake of expressing their love to another using the love language they value most, but not necessarily what their loved one prefers. Others who are often called romantic or very loving turn out to be intuitively making sure they express love in all of these five ways consistently!

Many times in the early stages of relationships someone might be more likely to express affection in all of these five ways- but then over time narrow down the types of love languages used or the frequency. It could be that simply not expressing love in one of these 5 ways to your loved one tends to be one of the shortcomings that might be seen in you, even though you may feel you ardently expressing love all the time, just because of the love language!

You can find out more at The 5 Love Languages Website, which I should give you a heads up also is faith-based (he is a pastor). Whether or not you believe in God though, I think the concepts of 5 Love Languages still resonate, and I thought it was something to ponder as we approach Valentine’s Day tomorrow.

Have you heard of the 5 Love Languages before?

Which of these 5 love languages would mean the most to you?

Can you think of the last time you demonstrated love using each of these languages to a loved one?

Maybe it is time to check in again… not necessarily because its Valentine’s Day tomorrow but because when you thought about someone you want to show love to, you thought of them and you want them to feel loved!

Images by Photographer Thomas Slack of Slack Photography from my wedding in 2009. Oh, was there still somehow a picture of food in there? How  did that happen when I’m talking about love… hmm. Oh well! Love and Peace.